Some of the last days in Joburg

Sitting here at my favourite time of day, that hour just before official dusk, when everything is rosy-hued and things seem a bit lighter, a bit more hopeful. For some reason my head and heart haven’t officially accepted the fact that at this time tomorrow I will be heading to the airport, then on an overnight flight to London, and then its back to Boston. I’ve never felt less ready to leave a place in my life, and my unreadiness both unnerves and scares me to death. It’s an understatement to say that the past 4 months here in South Africa has changed me beyond belief, beyond expectation, and I can’t imagine living anywhere else at this point. To steal a bit from Pride and Prejudice, South Africa has bewitched me body and soul.

Tonight is my farewell dinner, and mostly everyone whom I’v met and spent my time with here will be there, and I’m trying to frame it in my mind that its just another big get-together, grabbing some dinner and drinks, no big deal. I wish I could honestly say that I’m looking forward to heading home, back to Boston, graduating in a week from today, and onto the next adventure, but I’m not. I’ve been thinking so much these past few days about the past 4 months that I’ve lived here, and why I’m so reluctant to let go, to accept that its time to leave.

I think the reality is that I love who I am here, who Joburg has helped me become. I’ve noticed some subtle changes in myself, like the fact that I’ve learned how to drive manual (on the left side of the road, no less), that I’m actually a complete summer person instead of fall weather person, and that I actually do like being outdoorsy and hiking/camping, which I never knew about myself. Then there are some bigger changes, like the fact that I’ve discovered a passion for working with those affected by HIV/AIDS and TB, and that I crave a place with racial diversity and so many different cultures and languages, especially ones so foreign to me. I’ve also noticed that I say ‘YES!” to more things, take more risks, am open to learning so many new things and having such different experiences. I’ve learned how to rely on others when I’m unsure of where I am or what I’m doing, like how it was when we first moved here and relied heavily upon our host Linda, and our new Joburg friends. I’ve also realized how this place, Joburg or South Africa in general, is a place where I can connect my professional goals of being an international social worker, with my personal goals of living abroad and opening myself to new experiences and places. I feel home here, this has become my home. I feel guilty even writing that, but its how I truly feel.

I’ve realized that my perogative is to find a way to come back here, to follow this feeling, and to realize that it’s a complete possibility that I could be back living here within the year, provided that I follow through on major job searching and hone in on the fact that there’s a severe social work shortage here which might work in my favour. I’ll keep my plans for this updated as they come along.